Video 5  ways to improve to improve your marriage....
Improve Your Marriage

Dear Klal Yisroel

            It might be presumptuous on my part to want to address Klal Yisroel especially if contained herein are words of chastisement and admonishment. Yet, due to a recent event that I attended I feel compelled and obligated to express to Klal Yisroel the feelings of a multitude of women.who represent an even larger contingent who were not present. I am but a shliach tzibur and a mouthpiece for hundreds in not thousands of anguished neshei chayil.

            A few weeks ago I was invited to participate and address a weekend Shabbos retreat for a few hundred divorced women hosted by “Sister to Sister.” This organization offers year-round chizuk, guidance, mentoring, and so much more to hundreds of divorced women in the tri-state area.

            During the course of Shabbos, in addition to being treated to a Shabbos getaway without children, the women attended workshops, panel discussions, drashas geared to the myriad of issues that they face vis-à-vis themselves and their children. Rabbis, rebbetzins and professionals dealt with their unique real life challenges with the hope of helping them meander through life’s difficult maze in order to live a healthy and productive future. The ambiance was superb and during the course of the weekend, they had the opportunity of numerous outlets in the form of swimming, aerobics, dancing, etc. providing them with a memorable weekend of inspiration and enjoyment.

            Yet, this was by far the saddest Shabbos of my life. As I perused the room, I saw a few hundred sophisticated, well dressed women in the Yeshivish/Chasidish circles that represented hundreds of Yiddishe kinderlach. I was also aware that there are a few hundred additional members of this wonderful organization who did not come for Shabbos. My pain and anguish is not what you’re thinking. No, it was not about the hundreds of living orphans that I thought about, nor the pain and suffering of so many who shared with me their personal stories about the Gehenom that they went through until they obtained their Get.

            Many of the women had the opportunity during the course of the weekend to confer and seek advice from the Rabbonim and Rebbetzins on a one-to-one basis. I was able to speak to approximately 25 women over the course of the weekend hearing their personal stories and looking for guidance and advice in their life ahead. I have no doubt that this small group that I listened to is demonstrative and representative of the entire assemblage. It is about what was repeatedly echoed by all that pains and troubles me to the core. The women expressed a tremendous amount of pain in the fact that they are oftentimes mistreated, spoken to without proper sensitivity, and yes, sometimes pained beyond words by the biting, stinging comments made to them by others. Even Rabbanim were unfavorable to them and for the most part said they had no time when they asked shailos for themselves, their children or for the family in general. This insensitivity needs to change.

            The Torah tells us in Parshas Mishpatim (22:21) כל אלמנה ויתום לא תענון Any widow or orphan you shall not oppress. Rashi as well as other commentators tell us that the prohibition of saying painful words to another person apply to anyone, yet the Torah specifies the widow and the orphan because they are weaker and more vulnerable due to the lack of a husband/father. No doubt we can write an entire exposé on people’s lack of sensitivity in dealing with others who don’t have children, not yet married, widowed, orphaned, jobless, etc. There is a clear biblical imperative to be extremely careful with what we say especially when our words may cause deep wounds in the hearts of so many suffering individuals.

            Yet, even to those that are properly sensitive to the aforementioned categories there seems to be a general lack of respect and concern for the divorcee and her children. Unlike the widow who is a victim of an act of Hashem, many see the divorcee as somewhat of a misfit to society who perhaps due to her own idiosyncrasies or failings deserved what she got.  Someone once contrasted the situation of a widow and a divorcee in the following fashion.  They said that if the woman’s husband had died a squadron of women would have marched into her home with meals, perhaps money, and above all, support and chizuk.  But the death of a marriage doesn’t end with a funeral and therefore most people do not comprehend and understand the overwhelming loss and need of the similar support and chizuk.  Let me be abundantly clear and state that as one who has worked with this population and has counseled many for over 30 years in the Rabbinate, the average person looking in from the outside has absolutely no idea of the reality or circumstances that surround an individual’s divorce. After a lot of “he said,” “she said,” and lashon hara that is spread one must come to a stark conclusion and a limud zechus that there is no way to fault any one individual a hundred percent. Being kind and compassionate to a woman’s plight is not about taking sides or showing favoritism to any one party. Instead, it demonstrates a clear and conscious effort to be fair, understanding and sensitive to a stark reality of need and compassion.

            Every divorce is uniquely different and the difficulties that the woman faces cannot be homogenized as one-size-fits-all. There are those that are left penniless, others with a minimal amount of money and yet others who seem to get what’s called a decent or good settlement. Obviously, there are many other concerns and difficulties that a divorced women faces vis-à-vis her ex-husband, her children and her community at large. All the women I spoke to expressed in very clear and definitive terms their lack of acceptance and being made to feel somewhat of a misfit to society. This outlook is absolutely and unequivocally against all of what Torah teaches us.

            I recently saw a story quoted in Parsha Parables by my dear friend Rav Mordechai Kamenetsky that I am adapting to a situation of divorce.

            During a trip to the shoe store a week before the Yom Tov, the salesman, who knew about the divorced mother and four children that just walked in, went to the back of the store. He came out with a very special treat. He slowly handed each child a large, helium filled, Mylar balloon. He started with the younges. “One for Tzippy, one for Dovi, one for Leah, one for Shimmi, and,” he slowly said with a smile, “one for Mommy.”

            As the children were cherishing their shiny balloons, Leah pulled on her mother’s jacket and began kvetching that she wants another balloon. Mrs. Goldberg was extremely embarrassed and said to her “Please Leah, you received a balloon and it is only one per child.” She persisted as the salesman looked on in a state of dismay. Finally with tears in her eyes, she looked up at her mother and she said, “I don’t want another balloon for myself. I want one for Tatty.”

            There is much that has been written and needs to be further developed regarding divorce and its effect on the family dynamic and the children in particular. This is not the place nor time for that development, yet we all understand the importance of co-parenting and the need for children to have both a healthy father and mother. Regardless of the differences between husband and wife that necessitated a divorce we as a community must try in every which way to make the children of divorced homes as well as the father and mother feel most welcome and accepted.

            In addition to being very careful about the aforementioned lav in the Torah regarding painful and hurtful words, we should also stop and contemplate the seriousness of this prohibition as opposed to other prohibitions. The Torah says אם ענה תענה אתו כי אם צעק יצעק אלי שמע אשמע בעקתו “If you in any way mistreat him, for if he shall cry out in any way to me, I shall certainly hear his outcry.” The Torah does not tell us what precisely the punishment will be, but makes it extremely clear that unlike other situations where we hope that our tefilos are heard, in this instance the cries of oppression of the helpless and downtrodden will most definitely be heard by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The Ibn Ezra points out a further aspect of the seriousness of this commandment. The posuk begins כל אלמנה ויתום לא תענון which is in the plural while the posuk אם ענה תענה אותו is in the singular. This comes to teach us that if the community allows even a single one of its members to mistreat the helpless, Hakadosh Boruch Hu will chas v’shalom punish them all. The community as a whole bears responsibility for not creating an awareness and a sensitivity so that even one of its members should not persecute, denigrate or cause pain to the helpless. In light of the above, we must be vigilant in heightening our communal awareness of the needs of this population. Not to pity them but rather to treat them as upstanding respectable members of our community.

            There is no question that in every community there are human angels who will go out of their way to embrace and assist a particular divorcee and her family.  This is based perhaps on prior friendships, neighborly graciousness or a deeply rooted sense of feeling for someone else’s plight.  However, many a neighbor turns a blind eye, many a friend takes the other side, and oftentimes the community in general is not inviting or supportive of the divorcee and her family.  It is to the broader community that I address my concerns of reaching out in being pro-active, to be mechazek in every which way possible these broken families.

            Every Yom Tov brings with it its unique challenges for the divorcee and her children. A mother of children needs to have a Rav for halachic and Hashkafic guidance in all areas of her life. There are many shailos and challenges that come up and a proper posek who is well versed in halacha as well as one who understands the dynamic of children in a divorced home should be sought out. With Purim at our footstep, we are aware of the obligation of children especially those that have reached the age of chinuch to come to shul both by night and by day. Generally, if the father is around he would be taking his son to shul with him. There are situations however where the father lives in a different community and there is a need for someone to see to it that the child be taken to shul for krias hamegilla. An additional issue would be a situation of someone who needs to babysit for an infant and there’s a question whether the mother who has an obligation to hear megilla should go to shul and the son below Bar Mitzvah watch the child or vice versa. This of course presumes that either the child or the mother will hear the megilla later at home. The aforementioned shaila is a dispute amongst the poskim and a shaila that most definitely must be asked for a definitive psak. As a community we must also be aware how awkward a Purim seuda would be without the father (quite different than a regular Shabbos that one becomes accustomed to) and as such, the need to reach out to these families and invite them to be part and parcel of our seuda.

            As we approach the Yom Tov of Purim the words of the Rambam in Hilchos Megila resonate so strongly. After an individual has fulfilled the mitzvah of mishloach manos and matanos levyonim, we are taught that if you have excess funds they should be given to the poor as opposed to buying or making additional packages for your friends and neighbors. What’s striking is the reason the Rambam gives, totally uncharacteristic in his halachic treatise known as Mishne Torah. The Rambam says that one should enhance matanos levyonim "שאין שם שמחה גדולה ומפוארה אלא לשמח לב עניים ויתומים ואלמנות וגרים."  because there is no greater joy than to gladden the hearts of the poor, orphans, widows and converts. I think that if we were asked why this is the greatest joy we would respond that helping others, especially those that feel downtrodden and oppressed brings with it a tremendous sense of satisfaction and joy. As a wise man once said “Happiness is a perfume that you can’t pour on someone else without getting a few drops on yourself as well.” The Rambam however, gives a reason that is far more powerful and all encompassing. He states that a person who gladdens the heart of unfortunate victims of abusive and denigrating hurtful words which most definitely include the divorcee as well

is likened to Hashem himself for regarding Hashem it is said, כהחיות רוח שפלים ולהחוית לב נדכאים who gives life and uplifts those that are down and dejected.The Rambam thus is teaching us that the greatest joy in the world is to emulate our Creator by strengthening, uplifting and giving chizuk to those pained neshamas who are going through various hardships in their life.

            The divorced population is crying out to all of you for a sense of compassion, assistance and simply some kind words or encouragement as they face their daunting task of raising their families with the same Torah values as we all wish for ourselves.